Back after a seven year hitch. What has changed. Well, folks, I have a kid now. 4 years old beautiful daughter.

What happened to that idealistic person I was back then ? Simple : all my illusions have dissapeared. Vanished. Kaputt. In a matter of a few months, all of my beliefs went “poof”. No mora. Right here on the floora.

So. What is left? What should I do next? We will see. At close to 54, life is pressuring me a little more now. So I will see fast.

Valarie

She’s getting married.

Gorgeous Valarie…

So my instincts failed me. I was absolutely convinced, following signs, deductions and feelings, that this girl was drifting away from her BF. Nah. Wrong. I could I be so far from reality? Saw her walking with her beau… body langage seemed to indicate persons distant from each other; then she talked to me in a very seductive way (playing with her hair, smiling, you know what I mean). Even guys around me telling that wow… you sure have caught her attention…

All wrong.

She’s getting fucking married.

Unless it’s indicating that MY instincts are more acute than hers? Could happen…

Perhaps life’s telling me that I have to keep off younger chicks (she’s 30/I’m 47)? Last weekend, my friend Gilles showed how bad it is to get involved + have a baby with a 30 something. Big trouble. I guess this is the last signal. If I don’t understand it, that’s it. Do I need a red flag waving in front of my face to get it?

Moments ago, I saw her on the street… she’s not as cute, when close, that she looks from afar.

Fuck. I’m already finding excuses.

One church

One church: Homosectuality. I remember seeing that graffiti, in the streets of Montreal (somewhere in Milton-Park). About 15 years ago. Funny.

I guess that I’ve always been a lesbian trapped in a man’s body… it’s funny how people think immediately that you are gay IF you enjoy San Francisco. Just came back from the funeral parlor, where I payed my respects to the family of a deceased aunt. My cousins were all asking WHY, exactly, I went to San Francisco… Pretty cool to leave them on a limb… These guys are pretty old-fashioned + conservative, for the most part. Some are less, though. Saw one of my lesbian (not-yet-out-of-the-closet at 50) cousins.

Also saw one of my cousins’ daughter. Cute. About 35-40… very pretty. I get more and more attractive AND attracted to younger chicks. Well, er… yes. Younger than I am.

But fer some unknown reason… perhaps protecting myself, I dunno, I just can’t break the shell. Go further. Bring’em in my bed. I know that I’m afraid and that it explains most of the stuff.

When it’s going to stop?

Jodorowsky

As a matter of fact, I wuz in SF for a specific purpose.

To participate in a workshop given by Alejandro Jodorowsky, the famous film director of the 70’s. I had read is autobiography, a few years ago, and it more or less acted as a catalyst for my psychoanalysis. As a matter of fact, I used some ideas found in it to get rid of:

• My second wife
• A toxic relationship with a woman I was attracted to.

The workshop was fabulous. Tarot, psychomagic + psychogenealogy. But I found myself a bit overprepared for the event. I noticed that Ph.D’s, even in Psychology, do not necessarily done all the work on themselves that we take for granted (when we’ve had). Plus, I had read is HUGE book on Tarot (which is not yet published in english).

Jodorowsky is what my SF friends call a Strange Attractor. I wonder what’ next to me.

Back from SF

Yes. I’m alone. Here, there and everywhere. Been to San Francisco a few ago. Walked, walked, walked and walked. No unplanned human contact. Everything is so fucking predictable. People there have that tendency to find a mate, then dissapear. Swoosh. Afraid to share, to feel, to laugh, to live ! Surviving’s seems the buzzword.

Does this kind of life seems really interesting to you (Frank Zappa)?

Since I decided to end that toxic relationship with my second wife, I feel an unconscious brake prevents me to get more intimate with chicks. Yeah. I’m older than I was, 20 years ago, after my first divorce. But, fuck, boys and girls, what’s happening! It’s been almost two years, man.

OK. I have more women friends than at any specific time in my life. True. But the feeling of loneliness is heavy. HEAVY, you know what I mean.

Anyways. I’ll get back here later on.